Fear grips the world

I had those strange dreams again. Not a nightmare, but not pleasant. Chaotic and vivid. Started about April. I’ve not kept a diary through this. Hindsight. I love that word. What a weird existence this is. I’m scared, I have 2 pre-teens, I’m working full-time from home, I’m on a 12-step program and I don’t really have anyone. Kid-hugs are great, but spindly. 

I woke up realising how weird this all is. Really odd. Mentally challenging, fear of death, the unknown, being scared, it is a really bleak outlook.

I think the terror of not knowing how Covid will affect me personally. If I will survive, intensive care, the long Covid..

There is no brief to get you through this. My best friend let me know yesterday that someone we knew a few years ago killed himself. He had some problems but you think people overcome things ‘as they become older’, seek out counselling, drugs to control shit, I don’t know. Anyway he’s gone. Someone who brought love and light to everyone who came in contact with him. RIP W. God rest your soul man. 

I guess we will hear more stories like this over the coming months.

I’m finding it challenging. My mental health is bordering or quivering. My boyfriend started lying to me over the summer - may as well have been an affair tbh, been working from home since March in my tiny house - I’m absolutely fucking grateful that I have a house - but it’s so small, 2up - 2down, no shower, no garden, kitchen falling apart - ceiling about to fall in - probably will when i'm on a call, a bedroom and a box room. I don't want to be sanctamonious but it really is not somewhere I would have wanted to spend the next however fucking foreseeable in constantly to be honest. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm also finding it tough. Not what I had in mind when I got to this age and in a pandemic. I am grateful and I know it could be far, far worse but I did try to sell this house for three years before my marriage broke down. It's in my face now that I have to be here all of the time.

All in all it's a very frustrating time. The unknown, the isolation, the loneliness, the not knowing how Covid would effect you if and when you get it. 

Let's face it we are confronted with our unhapiness - the one thing that makes humans function - socialising - which we're no longer able to do. Well in 2-D but let's face it - it's not the same. The lack of physical touch is exacebated - especially if you thrive on company or co-dependent like I am (just to add to my list of flaws that I've been looking at since the summer). The ongoing pendulum of the relationship with my boyfriend, ex, friend IDK what it is anymore tbh - just a complete headfuck.

And all the "well-being" here and there. In work. or "Give me a call - anytime" but they don't answer. Admit you are struggling? People having their own mental worries. Relationships breaking down, people are working side by side in towerblocks and the like, domestic abuse both sides, the worry about kids, working with kids hanging from your feet, people with ongoing illnesses who can't access their treatments, money worries, debt, jobs, how to eat for the next two weeks when you've just spent your last £10 on electric. People are dying fast. Like during the war. 

We've been thrown into a pandemic mental pandemonium, pandemic fatigue and pandemic dreams. Just all the unknowns. All the little events to "keep our spirits up'; Halloween, Bonfire night, Thanksgiving, Christmas.. That's been taken away from us and our children. All those tiny events that get us through the winter months. But i have to be optimistic. I have parents, two beautiful kids, parents, a job, a roof over my head and a regular income. I am extremely thankful for these things. like any one else I'm sure I reflect and I'm pensive going in to the second wave.

This pandemic is evil and talented. It's all consuming. It thrives for 'us' socialising - how intelligent it is.. And there is no companion 'bible' to get through a pandemic. You just have to get through - don't you? 

If you aren't coping please contact the Samaritans.

Covid, "don't give a fuck" and death

My boyfriend and I just broke up. Well - I just blocked him. I'm on that rollercoaster. The kind where you tell people and they're like "I'm sorry - that must be tough". Then you tell them why and feel like a bit of a dick. 

Everything is phone based these days in our new normal of Zoom, MS Teams and telephone. Around 1876 Bell came up with the phone. Nuts! 150 years people have been gassing - or not. I hate the phone but it's become a lifeline to me as it has for so many. 

I woke up very early today. My head is a bit of a mess. 

Anyway, I woke up thinking about this new predicted incoming second wave that we've been expecting since the first and like Jonny - it's here!!! And now our youth are being targeted as the super spreaders. Poor kids. Out of their mind with fucking boredom. And now they have to do it all over again. There's absolutely fuck all for them to do. In the last few years I've thought there's never anything for pre-teens, teens or young adults to do. The post-Millennial generation. No cyber cafes, games rooms, alcoholic free discos or clubs because we live in unfunded times where we rely on school, colleges, guardians and social media to keep them busy and quiet. Not the kids super spreading now it's the youth. Banished indoors again for fuck knows how long. But this rebellion are are uprising. 

Such crazy times. Thrown in to the grips of a pandemic reading conspiracy theories, tailored  news and listening to politicians we don't believe and suspecting a hidden agenda. But it is what it is. Suicide rates are sky high and young people started to break lockdown rules - hardly surprising. Poor kids in the most exciting phase of their development being shut away.

I feel like one of the lucky ones. Last year my life was nose-diving. Like seriously going down the pan. years of drinking, occasional drug recreation and a bit of an empty soul. A mother, a divorce and a full time job on the grind. I couldn't have cared if I died. When I didn't have my children I would be out drinking. I had parties, did stupid shit (which I regret) and generally tried to reenact my youth. 

This hedonistic lifestyle was only going to end one way. But something happened to me last year that I never thought I'd get over, there was police involvement and I ended up in court. I made a stupid mistake and I thought that was it. Thought I would lose my kids, my job, my life. It threw me in to a major depression. One day I even set out to take drugs and drink myself to death - I felt so alone. But that didn't happen - call it God's will - my God having a different plan for my life. 

In January this year I walked in to a 12 step program. I began to realise what a drug and drink free life was. I've put anything down my throat for 30 years. Always had some kind of death wish and suffered with my mental health - not seriously - more in bouts. But in eight months I have begun to learn resilience, have strength and have realised it is not all about me. My self-pity has held me back from achieving greater things that I could have been doing instead of living a hedonistic lifestyle.

But things really do happen for a reason I believe. I have no idea what my life would look like today if I hadn't turned my will over to the power of God - especially during a pandemic. 

But I still have my problems. My (ex) boyfriend has been using all this time since January and I just couldn't see it. Or I could see it but I wanted to stay in a state of denial in my new 'happy' life. The deception and lies have gripped me over the past few months and stopped me fully embracing my new life - he was the only thing left from the old. And then finally on his admission this weekend just gone. And the thing I find the hardest is that I opened up my life, my home to him and to my children's lives. But now I have the tools to deal with a break-up and not to pick up a drink or use something to take me to another level of crazy.

So for some this time is bleak and endless, but for someone like me now I am taking each day as it comes knowing that my God has a greater plan for me. I have a programme to equip me with tools for life as long as I put the work in.

It's been a long time...

I am processing thoughts. I am planning to kick my husband out as he has proved he does not give a shit about 'us'.

I have tried for so many years but I'm done.

Watch this space... I will elaborate on what has been happening since 2014...

Jobs worth

No water in work today! A burst pipe. Fascinating eh?
In deeper life I have managed to come down to 10ml on my ADs. A combination of taking 30 and 20 alternate days and going without for a couple in between. Doc agreed in order for me to come off the damn things this was the way and I agreed - of course.
Take Care - Beachouse plays in the background.
May write more if there is any interest?

Addiction, trial and circumstance

Having a bud; still smoking and existing.

Still obsessing about dying and not being around for my dependants... I love my life but sometimes I wish I knew how much time I had here so I could make better of my time instead of wasting every hour...

Playing this as I'm enjoying it!
Haim!

Buildings

There are some great buildings on the Industrial Estate where I work.

Inspiration and the draining leech of workdom..

I spent 2 hours trying to get onto my laptop tonight from home. Then when I got online, I worked at the pace of a small snail with a heavy house. THEN I got the blue screen of death. 

Are these things sent intentionally to drive you insane or is that just how it seems sometimes..

It's such a thankless task. I wish I could do something a little more inspiring or do what I love doing. I'd like to make a downtown documentary or one about teens deciding what to do with their lives. 

Or perhaps I'd follow around some of the cock-sure twonks I work with, gosh what interesting and very entertaining viewing that would make! (Well you'd think it would the way they do go on..!)

Yes - a bad day at the office!

That was Summer..

..And out comes the sun.! Yes it pissed down pretty much entirely last month. But now we're all back to work it's going to be a scorcher!!

Back to work last week whilst the OH was still off with the sprats. We had a wonderful (literally) 4 nights camping near Newquay - stunningly exquisite and family bonding.

I came off my tablets, although first day at home on my own today whilst working on an Expression of Interest I felt I should be on them again... Ha ha - no just tiredness I think. Bad night Sunday night.
My exciting summer stories as follows:

Mattress error

A guy was holding a mattress for me. I won the Ikea frame on Feebay. The frame was missing screws and parts but Ikea fixed that - great. So our mattress didn't fit. I asked the guy if he still had it and he did - bingo. Fast forward 2 months I decide to do a car boot. Sell some fabulous stuff at plain ridiculous prices but make £60. Text Mark - all ok to pick up mattress; sweet. Has a 'couple of stains'.. Make a plan and I go to fetch mattress. Mattress absolutely stinking. Out of sheer embarrassment I hand over £50 in crisp notes, stuff the mattress into tiny car (somehow) and come home. Whip off the covers thinking it would be a breeze but the covers are attached to a lining of netting and a lining of foam. Takes me 3 days of soaking in bath to get stains out of one cover - another 3 for the other side. God knows he was either falling asleep with a pint or a consistent bed wetter.
Today I have had enough - absolutely livid with this guy who is also holding 3 wooden doors for me.. What can I do?

Petty Poundland Prick

I have just complained to Poundland. I like Poundland - it's great. But last week I had the pleasure of meeting someone with special difficulties in Customer Service. I mean - don't get me wrong; it can't be that fabulous at times when the queue is running around every aisle but a job is a job in this shitty time we find ourselves. Complaint had to be 1000 characters thus all grammar has effectively been removed. Complaint as follows:

"Partner met me on my lunchbreak with our children I popped into Poundland grabbed a bottle which I buy whenever I can they last, baby - was distressed /thirsty that day I rushed to the till didn't have to wait long great! As I was in a hurry I went to the side of his till He gestured 'this side' INSISTED that I stand in front of his till I literally wanted to hand him a pound, grab the receipt and shoot off Again "please stand here" gesturing a square block by the baskets I refused again Reluctantly he scanned the bottle took my £1 giving me crazy filthy looks When asked if I wanted my receipt (I did) held it on the 'correct' side of the till! He would have been fired on the spot if he worked for me  this close resemblance to Hitler He was bright too such a shame that his attitude was appalling The mood I was in that day he is SO lucky I didn't tear a few strips off him. Needless to say I WILL NOT be going back anytime soon until he has left to go to Uni etc serious life lessons needed"

Just really annoyed me stupid little prick. Hey ho! Didn't even manage to send the complaint via the 1000 character form as the form was bust so sent to Press Office email!

Hmm what else.. Will have a think..

A strange time..

I am having 'brain shocks' most commonly associated with withdrawal from ADs but I didn't realise how severe this would be. Like in movies when it's in high speed - things rushing past. I'm having anxiety, tears and a general sense of uneasiness. I took my last 20mg middle of this past week. I thought I'd escaped any kind of withdrawal but, apparently not.
I have to do this for my kids. I have to do this for my children - get fitter, improve my wellbeing and theirs.
I love my children - something I just cannot explain and how I went into the medication lost, alone and afraid. But the only thing it has taught me is: I need to be around for my kids..

A Rota For Life..

Wait and find the one
Don't accept you're done
Don't refuse the love
Of someone dull and plain.

I declared my Love
I am not to blame
If everything goes tits up
Becoming slight of game.

Don't ignite the silly things
Don't shut out the light.
One day you'll make the decision
A decision that might be Right..

Easing the crush of failure...

I've asked for an extension for my dissertation. Not without validity.

I'm exhausted at the thought of reading anything. Nothing feels structured in my life right now so meeting the mid-September deadline unless it's worked on as my graduate dissertation was: Pro-plus, coffee and solid writing for 5 days. It's just not going to happen.

But, I hate admitting defeat or failing at anything. Combined with desperately wanting to get a Masters and not settle for a diploma.

So I dropped my wonderful tutor an email today explaining the circumstances. I think she could tell I am a broken person right now. I noted my PND and medication, that my daughter is still very clingy. I really am struggling to leave the house again but I put this down to weaning off the pills. I've been paranoid and struggling at work. It's a difficult thing to explain. And it's not nice for anyone to go through and survive.

I did get the occasional bout of depression in my youth. I wanted to jump out of a window when I was 5 because my parents were arguing and I thought if I went away they would be happy again! Weird - but a one off!

I don't know how to describe what I started to go through last year. A crisis of confidence, loss of knowing who I was, being depended on by two under two. Self image and feeling frumpy, looking in the mirror and seeing a grey face and frame. All my clothes seemed vile, no shoes would fit because of my huge wide feet, stained teeth, SAD kicked in on top of the PND and before I knew it I was shutting down from my friends, lacking the ability to talk, doubting what I would say and I couldn't leave the house.. The door became a complete barrier to get through. I preferred to stay home in my nest.

I hope this doesn't sound like a major moany whinge. It's nice to write it down.

When it's pouring with rain, you can't go out and your two babies' screams are piercing through your brain at ten-thirty in the morning and you manage to keep it together - that is a major accomplishment, but I couldn't see it back then. There is no other situation to heighten how terrible you already feel... I was so lucky to get through back then.

If you ever feel yourself breaking - please get help...

Fretting about the inevitable..

Here I am again at 4am worrying that I won't be here for my kids when they absolutely need me, that my daughter will struggle for an identity and how I will leave her behind without a role model - not that I am one in any shape or form. But how I would love to be here for her as I think she will need me. I think I missed a pill today. It's always crazy chaos on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays but calms on Friday.
What would I leave behind? A jotter full of scribbles telling her how much I adore her and him? Life lessons? What the fuck have I learned? That I shouldn't have had children so much later in life? That I probably won't be around when she has the weight of the world on her shoulders? To tell her to be strong and live for each day - live each day as if it were your last?
I've smoked 2 cigarettes in this vicious cycle and in this most turbulent point in my life. My failings weigh down on me. I am no closer to putting anything down on paper with my dissertation. Today I tried to work out how many words 20,000 is on paper. About 500. So 40 sides. Roughly. It seems so easy but I have 4 loads of washing on the landing, tax forms to fill in and submit by the end of this month. Two weeks off in August to spend with the family but it has to be in Sept 17. I started writing an email to my supervisor today saying that I needed another extension. But when I did the paper exercise I thought "it must be possible" and deleted the email.
I leave everything to the last minute - always have. This is something I have control over so why can't I just do it?
So anyway, with the looming deadline and worrying constantly about something I have absolutely no control over, I am again overall feeling really quite glum right now..
But it has stopped raining...

Infamous Mummy Excursions and Deep Stirred Emotion..

A fun-filled weekend Friday to yesterday when we got back.

I really should not be writing this as I have to submit my dissertation in September and I havent written a chapter yet. My Tutor is exceptional as well so I am laiden with ultra, ultra guilt at the moment. But I will Carry on typing - which sounds like an excellent title for another post!

I travelled to my Mum this weekend - 'Grannie'. It's been a difficult time this year and our historical relationship of up and downs. The last time we met was at the Zoo but before then I didn't see her for a short while. I enjoyed myself but two days isn't enough to unwind really especially with a 3 hour journey either side.

When I arrived we decided to go to the local. It's hidden away on a canal with a huge toddler sized football pitch, lovely trees and flowers. It was dry and my boy was free to run about, the sun shone and we saw 2 boats with the type of people you expect to see in boats on a canal. Unfortunately - no ducks! And my daughter is extremely-baby-just-turned-one clingy at the moment. But we certainly talked over all noise and put the world to rights..

We walked back and put the kids to bed then watched a rerun of Anne of Green Gables on cable. Later on we set up the sofabed and I brought the baby from her bed to sleep in with me.

The Saturday we all awoke chirpy. We were going to see the airshow but from a certain spot and not paid.

Mum made sandwiches and 2 flasks of coffee. And we set off for the day. Just a short drive and we parked by a school. We began to walk the many miles we would walk through a housing estate first. I like those 60s estates they chucked up all over the UK when the population exploded. They have green squares of grass, parks and local stores. The houses look big too. But I wouldn't fancy my front garden on display. There is an old fashioned community feel to the estates though. I like that.

Finally we found the entrance to the army firing range. A sandy, forest covering acres. And so began the tiring, close throttling of my nearly 60yo Mum (who once again has decided for the sake of saving £2 on a car park close to the airshow that walking with 2 kids one in wellies and one in a very non terrain built Bugaboo - oh come back enormous Mountain Buggy, 2 camping chairs, 2 heavy bags, a pop up tent and bag of sodden waterproofs - it became a mission to concur rather than abandon! The suggestion of abandonment came up several times. Mum went ahead and tracked the situation. Do we carry on? In all honesty I was ready to tell my Mother what a fucktard she was taking us fuck knows where, but on the wise advice of my SIL before leaving "bite your tongue and have a rollie" albeit a soggy one at that.

My toddler and I stood in the pissy, hard-pouring rain, baby unaware of the dire situation asleep in the buggy I had a chance to analyse life in general. As you do if you ever find yourself in these situations. What must it be like for those up kilimanjaro - fuck that. At least we were only a couple of miles away from life. But there just didn't seem to be much of it about, just a few mosquito's and annoying flies.

I imagined us being headlined on the news

"Three generations vanish without trace on Army firing range - possibly died in quick-sand... It is presumed that they were going to watch the Airshow from one of the hills but they never made it".

And the negative press at being out on a firing range with a ridiculous non-terrain buggy with two under three in dire weather conditions..

We hit the trail again. We saw people with a picnic box AND a toddler. Phew - we weren't the only nutters out, and then more people and after a few more hills, enormous puddles and rocks we finally reached the cold peak!

I popped up the tent, made it cosy, put the travel DVD on and my boy had a bottle of tea (decaf). He looked the happiest boy on the planet which made my heart a glow like ET's finger..

Mum and I sat in our camping chairs, ate the sandwiches and poured hot coffee with bits of powdered milk floating on the top and watched the planes..

Heaven.

Short Mother Tales

Mad day so far. As in I have had a 'Mother' day where I 'feel' like one not some scatty woman who was never cut out have had kids.

Kids have had a bath, painted, playdoh-ed, we've all eat together and have had different lunches.

I know I shouldn't jinx it - but normally my Monday looms into chaos around half 10.

Hopefully they'll have sleep too. Now I'm really pushing it..

Forum Politics

One thing I've disliked whilst browsing forums on the internet over the years is - finding a forum, the subject interests you so you decide to create an account and come out of 'lurker-dom'.

You're always a newbie at that point and it's hit and miss whether you're taken under someone's wing. Perhaps a mod takes you under their wing when you've spoken a little out of the norm and reassures you kindly under whilst the existing members are grateful the mod answered. Phew. Or someone desperate to be a moderator will come flouncing in like a bull in a china shop and again gasps about how they could have broached the subject slightly more sensitively..

There's always the few contrary posters that members gush over. "Oh I've just spilled milk all over the aga, the dog needs a walk, the baby is crying and Jon is working. I just don't think I can take any more. And to top it off I have splashed artichoke brine on the silk dress I've just had dry cleaned and I'm supposed to be wearing for Jons works' do tonight". But they're still typing?! How is that possible they still have time to write a poor me post? Anyway, the usual geist jump in "Aw poor you - can you phone Jon?" and "Well you've coped so well this morning with all that going on!". And the posts with billions of 'hugs' some posters over-do the hugs but theres just one from regular forum members. But there's the one that tops all other posts to the highest order almost making a sly attack "Oh poor you darling! I might have something you could wear! We're about the same size and I could even pop over and take baby Freddie off your hands for a couple of hours while you sort yourself out :hugs:" and obligatory 'x' of course!

It's all about saving time.. (In the rain!)

Yes it's still raining here in Wales. 

I got on the bus earlier today which is a novelty for me. I've been a train getter for the last few years and before that I did used to use the bus for years. But since passing my driving test 2 years ago (this month) I have used public transport a lot less. 
I parked the car up to get the train. The train wasn't expected for 25 minutes. So I walked to the bus stop about 7 minutes down the road. The bus wasn't due for 10 minutes - but hey I'd saved eight minutes or so! A few buses passed me and I asked them whether they were going to the Industrial Estate, as you do as if you're a lost tourist in London or some other exotic city..
I buy a ticket on the bus. This tiny scrap of paper holds the date (helpful), cost (expensive) etc etc and then on the back tells me how I can 'save time buying a megasaver online' which got me thinking.

Well it's all about saving a minute here and there when your life is chaos. We're so conditioned by marketing it is so very clever. Realistically, the only way you can save time is to be organised and a good planner. I am neither unfortunately.

In and Out, Up and Down..

My money that is - £477 nursery fees for 2.5 days a week. A third of my wages! My mortgage is £550.. Add the bills and that's a total of £1500. I can't afford to live, to work or to feed my kids. I'm going to have to cycle to work, to eat pasta and pesto all month and scrape bits of money here and there. Sell on Feebay. Sell my stuff, clothes! I mean I've never been particularly 'rich' but I'm 40 next year and this is a fucking joke. And it's bringing me down - really. Believe it or not I am quite a positive person but my life is just sucking right now! Sucking my brain out of my head and stringing me up by my balls. Even if the sun shone it would be groovier but the weather is all fucked up to shit. All of this makes me feel negative, useless, stupid and empty..

Driving over lemons

I'd like to sometimes.. Just to live in a hotter, dryer climate. It's rained all day today. Heavy rain again. We could do with a storm but there don't seem to be as many as there should be. When an ex from years ago and I finished he rang me several times and I ignored him. He left a note which my Mum left on a post it note "driving over lemons" written in scrawl. I never read the book but I still want adventure. I would like to live by the sea in a hotter climate..

Heavy Failing

The rain - big drops all around me whilst I smoke. It's impossible to be optimistic in this!! What is there to be optimistic about? War, Euro collapse, cost of childcare. Unaffordable food. Silly dreams I had as a twenty-something. How much time was lost trying to be somebody. Up and down as my misery consumes me without me noticing! I want to do something - still. I have so much ambition - just no drive. I continually kick my own ass, out of bed, to tidy, to work, to wash. Mother said she should have taken the abortion the nurses offered her. I'm inclined to agree much of the time. I guess she sewed a mighty seed. Take the life lesson there - go on your gut. Don't ever do something because you feel you should! I walk through life failing. Failing to communicate, to bond, enjoy a joke even! I question everything in a failway. I failed because I said that. "Did I say the wrong thing..?". If I could have poured the years of continuous worry into something productive I probably could have made millions. I only relax when I sleep. I never unwind, I never switch off. I am like a buried bomb waiting for a pulminary - but who'd know when?! We are told to walk this earth is a gift. But there's no time to walk the earth because society grinds you down and screws with your soul, mind and time. Ahh. Another light-hearted post..

Silent serenade

It's been tough this week. I hit a mighty low on Thursday. I hadn't been taking my ADs at the same time just random times. I lost the plot with a work colleague (I become irrational when I don't eat), totally messed up the timing for a report I was writing for work and had a meltdown around scale 4 last night. Writing my thesis, working and looking after my kids is taking its toll but I try to keep up appearances.. My daughter will be the big '1' this week. Hard to believe she was in my womb this time last year. She is so, so precious. I love her dearly. I worry that something will happen to her or my son. I often find myself watching them breathing. I think that is a natural thing to do. I know, another random though post - I just can't focus on this shit. I don't think beforehand: "Right, what can I write about today..". I suppose I should better introduce myself whilst I babysit my friends' kids and my own baby is sleeping now on the sofa next to me. Right - I've sat here for 10 minutes looking at my friends room while my mind wandered off to ex-boyfriends', my separated Mum and Dad, the time, my sister in law and mother in law, my failings as a human, to remember basic things. Knowing what to buy my baby for her birthday that might keep her entertained for more than ten seconds, my hatred for myself and my damaged mind. Wanting to move away from here - to a better and cleaner life. Phew! Maybe I'll try again when I have more clarity - its just a mind-map of junk at the moment.