Easing the crush of failure...

I've asked for an extension for my dissertation. Not without validity.

I'm exhausted at the thought of reading anything. Nothing feels structured in my life right now so meeting the mid-September deadline unless it's worked on as my graduate dissertation was: Pro-plus, coffee and solid writing for 5 days. It's just not going to happen.

But, I hate admitting defeat or failing at anything. Combined with desperately wanting to get a Masters and not settle for a diploma.

So I dropped my wonderful tutor an email today explaining the circumstances. I think she could tell I am a broken person right now. I noted my PND and medication, that my daughter is still very clingy. I really am struggling to leave the house again but I put this down to weaning off the pills. I've been paranoid and struggling at work. It's a difficult thing to explain. And it's not nice for anyone to go through and survive.

I did get the occasional bout of depression in my youth. I wanted to jump out of a window when I was 5 because my parents were arguing and I thought if I went away they would be happy again! Weird - but a one off!

I don't know how to describe what I started to go through last year. A crisis of confidence, loss of knowing who I was, being depended on by two under two. Self image and feeling frumpy, looking in the mirror and seeing a grey face and frame. All my clothes seemed vile, no shoes would fit because of my huge wide feet, stained teeth, SAD kicked in on top of the PND and before I knew it I was shutting down from my friends, lacking the ability to talk, doubting what I would say and I couldn't leave the house.. The door became a complete barrier to get through. I preferred to stay home in my nest.

I hope this doesn't sound like a major moany whinge. It's nice to write it down.

When it's pouring with rain, you can't go out and your two babies' screams are piercing through your brain at ten-thirty in the morning and you manage to keep it together - that is a major accomplishment, but I couldn't see it back then. There is no other situation to heighten how terrible you already feel... I was so lucky to get through back then.

If you ever feel yourself breaking - please get help...