In and Out, Up and Down..

My money that is - £477 nursery fees for 2.5 days a week. A third of my wages! My mortgage is £550.. Add the bills and that's a total of £1500. I can't afford to live, to work or to feed my kids. I'm going to have to cycle to work, to eat pasta and pesto all month and scrape bits of money here and there. Sell on Feebay. Sell my stuff, clothes! I mean I've never been particularly 'rich' but I'm 40 next year and this is a fucking joke. And it's bringing me down - really. Believe it or not I am quite a positive person but my life is just sucking right now! Sucking my brain out of my head and stringing me up by my balls. Even if the sun shone it would be groovier but the weather is all fucked up to shit. All of this makes me feel negative, useless, stupid and empty..

Driving over lemons

I'd like to sometimes.. Just to live in a hotter, dryer climate. It's rained all day today. Heavy rain again. We could do with a storm but there don't seem to be as many as there should be. When an ex from years ago and I finished he rang me several times and I ignored him. He left a note which my Mum left on a post it note "driving over lemons" written in scrawl. I never read the book but I still want adventure. I would like to live by the sea in a hotter climate..

Heavy Failing

The rain - big drops all around me whilst I smoke. It's impossible to be optimistic in this!! What is there to be optimistic about? War, Euro collapse, cost of childcare. Unaffordable food. Silly dreams I had as a twenty-something. How much time was lost trying to be somebody. Up and down as my misery consumes me without me noticing! I want to do something - still. I have so much ambition - just no drive. I continually kick my own ass, out of bed, to tidy, to work, to wash. Mother said she should have taken the abortion the nurses offered her. I'm inclined to agree much of the time. I guess she sewed a mighty seed. Take the life lesson there - go on your gut. Don't ever do something because you feel you should! I walk through life failing. Failing to communicate, to bond, enjoy a joke even! I question everything in a failway. I failed because I said that. "Did I say the wrong thing..?". If I could have poured the years of continuous worry into something productive I probably could have made millions. I only relax when I sleep. I never unwind, I never switch off. I am like a buried bomb waiting for a pulminary - but who'd know when?! We are told to walk this earth is a gift. But there's no time to walk the earth because society grinds you down and screws with your soul, mind and time. Ahh. Another light-hearted post..

Silent serenade

It's been tough this week. I hit a mighty low on Thursday. I hadn't been taking my ADs at the same time just random times. I lost the plot with a work colleague (I become irrational when I don't eat), totally messed up the timing for a report I was writing for work and had a meltdown around scale 4 last night. Writing my thesis, working and looking after my kids is taking its toll but I try to keep up appearances.. My daughter will be the big '1' this week. Hard to believe she was in my womb this time last year. She is so, so precious. I love her dearly. I worry that something will happen to her or my son. I often find myself watching them breathing. I think that is a natural thing to do. I know, another random though post - I just can't focus on this shit. I don't think beforehand: "Right, what can I write about today..". I suppose I should better introduce myself whilst I babysit my friends' kids and my own baby is sleeping now on the sofa next to me. Right - I've sat here for 10 minutes looking at my friends room while my mind wandered off to ex-boyfriends', my separated Mum and Dad, the time, my sister in law and mother in law, my failings as a human, to remember basic things. Knowing what to buy my baby for her birthday that might keep her entertained for more than ten seconds, my hatred for myself and my damaged mind. Wanting to move away from here - to a better and cleaner life. Phew! Maybe I'll try again when I have more clarity - its just a mind-map of junk at the moment.