Heavy Failing

The rain - big drops all around me whilst I smoke. It's impossible to be optimistic in this!! What is there to be optimistic about? War, Euro collapse, cost of childcare. Unaffordable food. Silly dreams I had as a twenty-something. How much time was lost trying to be somebody. Up and down as my misery consumes me without me noticing! I want to do something - still. I have so much ambition - just no drive. I continually kick my own ass, out of bed, to tidy, to work, to wash. Mother said she should have taken the abortion the nurses offered her. I'm inclined to agree much of the time. I guess she sewed a mighty seed. Take the life lesson there - go on your gut. Don't ever do something because you feel you should! I walk through life failing. Failing to communicate, to bond, enjoy a joke even! I question everything in a failway. I failed because I said that. "Did I say the wrong thing..?". If I could have poured the years of continuous worry into something productive I probably could have made millions. I only relax when I sleep. I never unwind, I never switch off. I am like a buried bomb waiting for a pulminary - but who'd know when?! We are told to walk this earth is a gift. But there's no time to walk the earth because society grinds you down and screws with your soul, mind and time. Ahh. Another light-hearted post..