Here I am again at 4am worrying that I won't be here for my kids when they absolutely need me, that my daughter will struggle for an identity and how I will leave her behind without a role model - not that I am one in any shape or form. But how I would love to be here for her as I think she will need me. I think I missed a pill today. It's always crazy chaos on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays but calms on Friday.
What would I leave behind? A jotter full of scribbles telling her how much I adore her and him? Life lessons? What the fuck have I learned? That I shouldn't have had children so much later in life? That I probably won't be around when she has the weight of the world on her shoulders? To tell her to be strong and live for each day - live each day as if it were your last?
I've smoked 2 cigarettes in this vicious cycle and in this most turbulent point in my life. My failings weigh down on me. I am no closer to putting anything down on paper with my dissertation. Today I tried to work out how many words 20,000 is on paper. About 500. So 40 sides. Roughly. It seems so easy but I have 4 loads of washing on the landing, tax forms to fill in and submit by the end of this month. Two weeks off in August to spend with the family but it has to be in Sept 17. I started writing an email to my supervisor today saying that I needed another extension. But when I did the paper exercise I thought "it must be possible" and deleted the email.
I leave everything to the last minute - always have. This is something I have control over so why can't I just do it?
So anyway, with the looming deadline and worrying constantly about something I have absolutely no control over, I am again overall feeling really quite glum right now..
But it has stopped raining...
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Monday, 16 July 2012
Infamous Mummy Excursions and Deep Stirred Emotion..
A fun-filled weekend Friday to yesterday when we got back.
I really should not be writing this as I have to submit my dissertation in September and I havent written a chapter yet. My Tutor is exceptional as well so I am laiden with ultra, ultra guilt at the moment. But I will Carry on typing - which sounds like an excellent title for another post!
I travelled to my Mum this weekend - 'Grannie'. It's been a difficult time this year and our historical relationship of up and downs. The last time we met was at the Zoo but before then I didn't see her for a short while. I enjoyed myself but two days isn't enough to unwind really especially with a 3 hour journey either side.
When I arrived we decided to go to the local. It's hidden away on a canal with a huge toddler sized football pitch, lovely trees and flowers. It was dry and my boy was free to run about, the sun shone and we saw 2 boats with the type of people you expect to see in boats on a canal. Unfortunately - no ducks! And my daughter is extremely-baby-just-turned-one clingy at the moment. But we certainly talked over all noise and put the world to rights..
We walked back and put the kids to bed then watched a rerun of Anne of Green Gables on cable. Later on we set up the sofabed and I brought the baby from her bed to sleep in with me.
The Saturday we all awoke chirpy. We were going to see the airshow but from a certain spot and not paid.
Mum made sandwiches and 2 flasks of coffee. And we set off for the day. Just a short drive and we parked by a school. We began to walk the many miles we would walk through a housing estate first. I like those 60s estates they chucked up all over the UK when the population exploded. They have green squares of grass, parks and local stores. The houses look big too. But I wouldn't fancy my front garden on display. There is an old fashioned community feel to the estates though. I like that.
Finally we found the entrance to the army firing range. A sandy, forest covering acres. And so began the tiring, close throttling of my nearly 60yo Mum (who once again has decided for the sake of saving £2 on a car park close to the airshow that walking with 2 kids one in wellies and one in a very non terrain built Bugaboo - oh come back enormous Mountain Buggy, 2 camping chairs, 2 heavy bags, a pop up tent and bag of sodden waterproofs - it became a mission to concur rather than abandon! The suggestion of abandonment came up several times. Mum went ahead and tracked the situation. Do we carry on? In all honesty I was ready to tell my Mother what a fucktard she was taking us fuck knows where, but on the wise advice of my SIL before leaving "bite your tongue and have a rollie" albeit a soggy one at that.
My toddler and I stood in the pissy, hard-pouring rain, baby unaware of the dire situation asleep in the buggy I had a chance to analyse life in general. As you do if you ever find yourself in these situations. What must it be like for those up kilimanjaro - fuck that. At least we were only a couple of miles away from life. But there just didn't seem to be much of it about, just a few mosquito's and annoying flies.
I imagined us being headlined on the news
"Three generations vanish without trace on Army firing range - possibly died in quick-sand... It is presumed that they were going to watch the Airshow from one of the hills but they never made it".
And the negative press at being out on a firing range with a ridiculous non-terrain buggy with two under three in dire weather conditions..
We hit the trail again. We saw people with a picnic box AND a toddler. Phew - we weren't the only nutters out, and then more people and after a few more hills, enormous puddles and rocks we finally reached the cold peak!
I popped up the tent, made it cosy, put the travel DVD on and my boy had a bottle of tea (decaf). He looked the happiest boy on the planet which made my heart a glow like ET's finger..
Mum and I sat in our camping chairs, ate the sandwiches and poured hot coffee with bits of powdered milk floating on the top and watched the planes..
Heaven.
I really should not be writing this as I have to submit my dissertation in September and I havent written a chapter yet. My Tutor is exceptional as well so I am laiden with ultra, ultra guilt at the moment. But I will Carry on typing - which sounds like an excellent title for another post!
I travelled to my Mum this weekend - 'Grannie'. It's been a difficult time this year and our historical relationship of up and downs. The last time we met was at the Zoo but before then I didn't see her for a short while. I enjoyed myself but two days isn't enough to unwind really especially with a 3 hour journey either side.
When I arrived we decided to go to the local. It's hidden away on a canal with a huge toddler sized football pitch, lovely trees and flowers. It was dry and my boy was free to run about, the sun shone and we saw 2 boats with the type of people you expect to see in boats on a canal. Unfortunately - no ducks! And my daughter is extremely-baby-just-turned-one clingy at the moment. But we certainly talked over all noise and put the world to rights..
We walked back and put the kids to bed then watched a rerun of Anne of Green Gables on cable. Later on we set up the sofabed and I brought the baby from her bed to sleep in with me.
The Saturday we all awoke chirpy. We were going to see the airshow but from a certain spot and not paid.
Mum made sandwiches and 2 flasks of coffee. And we set off for the day. Just a short drive and we parked by a school. We began to walk the many miles we would walk through a housing estate first. I like those 60s estates they chucked up all over the UK when the population exploded. They have green squares of grass, parks and local stores. The houses look big too. But I wouldn't fancy my front garden on display. There is an old fashioned community feel to the estates though. I like that.
Finally we found the entrance to the army firing range. A sandy, forest covering acres. And so began the tiring, close throttling of my nearly 60yo Mum (who once again has decided for the sake of saving £2 on a car park close to the airshow that walking with 2 kids one in wellies and one in a very non terrain built Bugaboo - oh come back enormous Mountain Buggy, 2 camping chairs, 2 heavy bags, a pop up tent and bag of sodden waterproofs - it became a mission to concur rather than abandon! The suggestion of abandonment came up several times. Mum went ahead and tracked the situation. Do we carry on? In all honesty I was ready to tell my Mother what a fucktard she was taking us fuck knows where, but on the wise advice of my SIL before leaving "bite your tongue and have a rollie" albeit a soggy one at that.
My toddler and I stood in the pissy, hard-pouring rain, baby unaware of the dire situation asleep in the buggy I had a chance to analyse life in general. As you do if you ever find yourself in these situations. What must it be like for those up kilimanjaro - fuck that. At least we were only a couple of miles away from life. But there just didn't seem to be much of it about, just a few mosquito's and annoying flies.
I imagined us being headlined on the news
"Three generations vanish without trace on Army firing range - possibly died in quick-sand... It is presumed that they were going to watch the Airshow from one of the hills but they never made it".
And the negative press at being out on a firing range with a ridiculous non-terrain buggy with two under three in dire weather conditions..
We hit the trail again. We saw people with a picnic box AND a toddler. Phew - we weren't the only nutters out, and then more people and after a few more hills, enormous puddles and rocks we finally reached the cold peak!
I popped up the tent, made it cosy, put the travel DVD on and my boy had a bottle of tea (decaf). He looked the happiest boy on the planet which made my heart a glow like ET's finger..
Mum and I sat in our camping chairs, ate the sandwiches and poured hot coffee with bits of powdered milk floating on the top and watched the planes..
Heaven.
Monday, 9 July 2012
Short Mother Tales
Mad day so far. As in I have had a 'Mother' day where I 'feel' like one not some scatty woman who was never cut out have had kids.
Kids have had a bath, painted, playdoh-ed, we've all eat together and have had different lunches.
I know I shouldn't jinx it - but normally my Monday looms into chaos around half 10.
Hopefully they'll have sleep too. Now I'm really pushing it..
Kids have had a bath, painted, playdoh-ed, we've all eat together and have had different lunches.
I know I shouldn't jinx it - but normally my Monday looms into chaos around half 10.
Hopefully they'll have sleep too. Now I'm really pushing it..
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Forum Politics
One thing I've disliked whilst browsing forums on the internet over the years is - finding a forum, the subject interests you so you decide to create an account and come out of 'lurker-dom'.
You're always a newbie at that point and it's hit and miss whether you're taken under someone's wing. Perhaps a mod takes you under their wing when you've spoken a little out of the norm and reassures you kindly under whilst the existing members are grateful the mod answered. Phew. Or someone desperate to be a moderator will come flouncing in like a bull in a china shop and again gasps about how they could have broached the subject slightly more sensitively..
There's always the few contrary posters that members gush over. "Oh I've just spilled milk all over the aga, the dog needs a walk, the baby is crying and Jon is working. I just don't think I can take any more. And to top it off I have splashed artichoke brine on the silk dress I've just had dry cleaned and I'm supposed to be wearing for Jons works' do tonight". But they're still typing?! How is that possible they still have time to write a poor me post? Anyway, the usual geist jump in "Aw poor you - can you phone Jon?" and "Well you've coped so well this morning with all that going on!". And the posts with billions of 'hugs' some posters over-do the hugs but theres just one from regular forum members. But there's the one that tops all other posts to the highest order almost making a sly attack "Oh poor you darling! I might have something you could wear! We're about the same size and I could even pop over and take baby Freddie off your hands for a couple of hours while you sort yourself out :hugs:" and obligatory 'x' of course!
You're always a newbie at that point and it's hit and miss whether you're taken under someone's wing. Perhaps a mod takes you under their wing when you've spoken a little out of the norm and reassures you kindly under whilst the existing members are grateful the mod answered. Phew. Or someone desperate to be a moderator will come flouncing in like a bull in a china shop and again gasps about how they could have broached the subject slightly more sensitively..
There's always the few contrary posters that members gush over. "Oh I've just spilled milk all over the aga, the dog needs a walk, the baby is crying and Jon is working. I just don't think I can take any more. And to top it off I have splashed artichoke brine on the silk dress I've just had dry cleaned and I'm supposed to be wearing for Jons works' do tonight". But they're still typing?! How is that possible they still have time to write a poor me post? Anyway, the usual geist jump in "Aw poor you - can you phone Jon?" and "Well you've coped so well this morning with all that going on!". And the posts with billions of 'hugs' some posters over-do the hugs but theres just one from regular forum members. But there's the one that tops all other posts to the highest order almost making a sly attack "Oh poor you darling! I might have something you could wear! We're about the same size and I could even pop over and take baby Freddie off your hands for a couple of hours while you sort yourself out :hugs:" and obligatory 'x' of course!
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
It's all about saving time.. (In the rain!)
Yes it's still raining here in Wales.
I got on the bus earlier today which is a novelty for me. I've been a train getter for the last few years and before that I did used to use the bus for years. But since passing my driving test 2 years ago (this month) I have used public transport a lot less.
I parked the car up to get the train. The train wasn't expected for 25 minutes. So I walked to the bus stop about 7 minutes down the road. The bus wasn't due for 10 minutes - but hey I'd saved eight minutes or so! A few buses passed me and I asked them whether they were going to the Industrial Estate, as you do as if you're a lost tourist in London or some other exotic city..
I buy a ticket on the bus. This tiny scrap of paper holds the date (helpful), cost (expensive) etc etc and then on the back tells me how I can 'save time buying a megasaver online' which got me thinking.
Well it's all about saving a minute here and there when your life is chaos. We're so conditioned by marketing it is so very clever. Realistically, the only way you can save time is to be organised and a good planner. I am neither unfortunately.
I got on the bus earlier today which is a novelty for me. I've been a train getter for the last few years and before that I did used to use the bus for years. But since passing my driving test 2 years ago (this month) I have used public transport a lot less.
I parked the car up to get the train. The train wasn't expected for 25 minutes. So I walked to the bus stop about 7 minutes down the road. The bus wasn't due for 10 minutes - but hey I'd saved eight minutes or so! A few buses passed me and I asked them whether they were going to the Industrial Estate, as you do as if you're a lost tourist in London or some other exotic city..
I buy a ticket on the bus. This tiny scrap of paper holds the date (helpful), cost (expensive) etc etc and then on the back tells me how I can 'save time buying a megasaver online' which got me thinking.
Well it's all about saving a minute here and there when your life is chaos. We're so conditioned by marketing it is so very clever. Realistically, the only way you can save time is to be organised and a good planner. I am neither unfortunately.
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