Here I am again at 4am worrying that I won't be here for my kids when they absolutely need me, that my daughter will struggle for an identity and how I will leave her behind without a role model - not that I am one in any shape or form. But how I would love to be here for her as I think she will need me. I think I missed a pill today. It's always crazy chaos on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays but calms on Friday.
What would I leave behind? A jotter full of scribbles telling her how much I adore her and him? Life lessons? What the fuck have I learned? That I shouldn't have had children so much later in life? That I probably won't be around when she has the weight of the world on her shoulders? To tell her to be strong and live for each day - live each day as if it were your last?
I've smoked 2 cigarettes in this vicious cycle and in this most turbulent point in my life. My failings weigh down on me. I am no closer to putting anything down on paper with my dissertation. Today I tried to work out how many words 20,000 is on paper. About 500. So 40 sides. Roughly. It seems so easy but I have 4 loads of washing on the landing, tax forms to fill in and submit by the end of this month. Two weeks off in August to spend with the family but it has to be in Sept 17. I started writing an email to my supervisor today saying that I needed another extension. But when I did the paper exercise I thought "it must be possible" and deleted the email.
I leave everything to the last minute - always have. This is something I have control over so why can't I just do it?
So anyway, with the looming deadline and worrying constantly about something I have absolutely no control over, I am again overall feeling really quite glum right now..
But it has stopped raining...
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