Fear grips the world

I had those strange dreams again. Not a nightmare, but not pleasant. Chaotic and vivid. Started about April. I’ve not kept a diary through this. Hindsight. I love that word. What a weird existence this is. I’m scared, I have 2 pre-teens, I’m working full-time from home, I’m on a 12-step program and I don’t really have anyone. Kid-hugs are great, but spindly. 

I woke up realising how weird this all is. Really odd. Mentally challenging, fear of death, the unknown, being scared, it is a really bleak outlook.

I think the terror of not knowing how Covid will affect me personally. If I will survive, intensive care, the long Covid..

There is no brief to get you through this. My best friend let me know yesterday that someone we knew a few years ago killed himself. He had some problems but you think people overcome things ‘as they become older’, seek out counselling, drugs to control shit, I don’t know. Anyway he’s gone. Someone who brought love and light to everyone who came in contact with him. RIP W. God rest your soul man. 

I guess we will hear more stories like this over the coming months.

I’m finding it challenging. My mental health is bordering or quivering. My boyfriend started lying to me over the summer - may as well have been an affair tbh, been working from home since March in my tiny house - I’m absolutely fucking grateful that I have a house - but it’s so small, 2up - 2down, no shower, no garden, kitchen falling apart - ceiling about to fall in - probably will when i'm on a call, a bedroom and a box room. I don't want to be sanctamonious but it really is not somewhere I would have wanted to spend the next however fucking foreseeable in constantly to be honest. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm also finding it tough. Not what I had in mind when I got to this age and in a pandemic. I am grateful and I know it could be far, far worse but I did try to sell this house for three years before my marriage broke down. It's in my face now that I have to be here all of the time.

All in all it's a very frustrating time. The unknown, the isolation, the loneliness, the not knowing how Covid would effect you if and when you get it. 

Let's face it we are confronted with our unhapiness - the one thing that makes humans function - socialising - which we're no longer able to do. Well in 2-D but let's face it - it's not the same. The lack of physical touch is exacebated - especially if you thrive on company or co-dependent like I am (just to add to my list of flaws that I've been looking at since the summer). The ongoing pendulum of the relationship with my boyfriend, ex, friend IDK what it is anymore tbh - just a complete headfuck.

And all the "well-being" here and there. In work. or "Give me a call - anytime" but they don't answer. Admit you are struggling? People having their own mental worries. Relationships breaking down, people are working side by side in towerblocks and the like, domestic abuse both sides, the worry about kids, working with kids hanging from your feet, people with ongoing illnesses who can't access their treatments, money worries, debt, jobs, how to eat for the next two weeks when you've just spent your last £10 on electric. People are dying fast. Like during the war. 

We've been thrown into a pandemic mental pandemonium, pandemic fatigue and pandemic dreams. Just all the unknowns. All the little events to "keep our spirits up'; Halloween, Bonfire night, Thanksgiving, Christmas.. That's been taken away from us and our children. All those tiny events that get us through the winter months. But i have to be optimistic. I have parents, two beautiful kids, parents, a job, a roof over my head and a regular income. I am extremely thankful for these things. like any one else I'm sure I reflect and I'm pensive going in to the second wave.

This pandemic is evil and talented. It's all consuming. It thrives for 'us' socialising - how intelligent it is.. And there is no companion 'bible' to get through a pandemic. You just have to get through - don't you? 

If you aren't coping please contact the Samaritans.

Covid, "don't give a fuck" and death

My boyfriend and I just broke up. Well - I just blocked him. I'm on that rollercoaster. The kind where you tell people and they're like "I'm sorry - that must be tough". Then you tell them why and feel like a bit of a dick. 

Everything is phone based these days in our new normal of Zoom, MS Teams and telephone. Around 1876 Bell came up with the phone. Nuts! 150 years people have been gassing - or not. I hate the phone but it's become a lifeline to me as it has for so many. 

I woke up very early today. My head is a bit of a mess. 

Anyway, I woke up thinking about this new predicted incoming second wave that we've been expecting since the first and like Jonny - it's here!!! And now our youth are being targeted as the super spreaders. Poor kids. Out of their mind with fucking boredom. And now they have to do it all over again. There's absolutely fuck all for them to do. In the last few years I've thought there's never anything for pre-teens, teens or young adults to do. The post-Millennial generation. No cyber cafes, games rooms, alcoholic free discos or clubs because we live in unfunded times where we rely on school, colleges, guardians and social media to keep them busy and quiet. Not the kids super spreading now it's the youth. Banished indoors again for fuck knows how long. But this rebellion are are uprising. 

Such crazy times. Thrown in to the grips of a pandemic reading conspiracy theories, tailored  news and listening to politicians we don't believe and suspecting a hidden agenda. But it is what it is. Suicide rates are sky high and young people started to break lockdown rules - hardly surprising. Poor kids in the most exciting phase of their development being shut away.

I feel like one of the lucky ones. Last year my life was nose-diving. Like seriously going down the pan. years of drinking, occasional drug recreation and a bit of an empty soul. A mother, a divorce and a full time job on the grind. I couldn't have cared if I died. When I didn't have my children I would be out drinking. I had parties, did stupid shit (which I regret) and generally tried to reenact my youth. 

This hedonistic lifestyle was only going to end one way. But something happened to me last year that I never thought I'd get over, there was police involvement and I ended up in court. I made a stupid mistake and I thought that was it. Thought I would lose my kids, my job, my life. It threw me in to a major depression. One day I even set out to take drugs and drink myself to death - I felt so alone. But that didn't happen - call it God's will - my God having a different plan for my life. 

In January this year I walked in to a 12 step program. I began to realise what a drug and drink free life was. I've put anything down my throat for 30 years. Always had some kind of death wish and suffered with my mental health - not seriously - more in bouts. But in eight months I have begun to learn resilience, have strength and have realised it is not all about me. My self-pity has held me back from achieving greater things that I could have been doing instead of living a hedonistic lifestyle.

But things really do happen for a reason I believe. I have no idea what my life would look like today if I hadn't turned my will over to the power of God - especially during a pandemic. 

But I still have my problems. My (ex) boyfriend has been using all this time since January and I just couldn't see it. Or I could see it but I wanted to stay in a state of denial in my new 'happy' life. The deception and lies have gripped me over the past few months and stopped me fully embracing my new life - he was the only thing left from the old. And then finally on his admission this weekend just gone. And the thing I find the hardest is that I opened up my life, my home to him and to my children's lives. But now I have the tools to deal with a break-up and not to pick up a drink or use something to take me to another level of crazy.

So for some this time is bleak and endless, but for someone like me now I am taking each day as it comes knowing that my God has a greater plan for me. I have a programme to equip me with tools for life as long as I put the work in.