I had those strange dreams again. Not a nightmare, but not pleasant. Chaotic and vivid. Started about April. I’ve not kept a diary through this. Hindsight. I love that word. What a weird existence this is. I’m scared, I have 2 pre-teens, I’m working full-time from home, I’m on a 12-step program and I don’t really have anyone. Kid-hugs are great, but spindly.
I woke up realising how weird this all is. Really odd. Mentally challenging, fear of death, the unknown, being scared, it is a really bleak outlook.
I think the terror of not knowing how Covid will affect me personally. If I will survive, intensive care, the long Covid..
There is no brief to get you through this. My best friend let me know yesterday that someone we knew a few years ago killed himself. He had some problems but you think people overcome things ‘as they become older’, seek out counselling, drugs to control shit, I don’t know. Anyway he’s gone. Someone who brought love and light to everyone who came in contact with him. RIP W. God rest your soul man.
I guess we will hear more stories like this over the coming months.
I’m finding it challenging. My mental health is bordering or quivering. My boyfriend started lying to me over the summer - may as well have been an affair tbh, been working from home since March in my tiny house - I’m absolutely fucking grateful that I have a house - but it’s so small, 2up - 2down, no shower, no garden, kitchen falling apart - ceiling about to fall in - probably will when i'm on a call, a bedroom and a box room. I don't want to be sanctamonious but it really is not somewhere I would have wanted to spend the next however fucking foreseeable in constantly to be honest. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm also finding it tough. Not what I had in mind when I got to this age and in a pandemic. I am grateful and I know it could be far, far worse but I did try to sell this house for three years before my marriage broke down. It's in my face now that I have to be here all of the time.
All in all it's a very frustrating time. The unknown, the isolation, the loneliness, the not knowing how Covid would effect you if and when you get it.
Let's face it we are confronted with our unhapiness - the one thing that makes humans function - socialising - which we're no longer able to do. Well in 2-D but let's face it - it's not the same. The lack of physical touch is exacebated - especially if you thrive on company or co-dependent like I am (just to add to my list of flaws that I've been looking at since the summer). The ongoing pendulum of the relationship with my boyfriend, ex, friend IDK what it is anymore tbh - just a complete headfuck.
And all the "well-being" here and there. In work. or "Give me a call - anytime" but they don't answer. Admit you are struggling? People having their own mental worries. Relationships breaking down, people are working side by side in towerblocks and the like, domestic abuse both sides, the worry about kids, working with kids hanging from your feet, people with ongoing illnesses who can't access their treatments, money worries, debt, jobs, how to eat for the next two weeks when you've just spent your last £10 on electric. People are dying fast. Like during the war.
We've been thrown into a pandemic mental pandemonium, pandemic fatigue and pandemic dreams. Just all the unknowns. All the little events to "keep our spirits up'; Halloween, Bonfire night, Thanksgiving, Christmas.. That's been taken away from us and our children. All those tiny events that get us through the winter months. But i have to be optimistic. I have parents, two beautiful kids, parents, a job, a roof over my head and a regular income. I am extremely thankful for these things. like any one else I'm sure I reflect and I'm pensive going in to the second wave.
This pandemic is evil and talented. It's all consuming. It thrives for 'us' socialising - how intelligent it is.. And there is no companion 'bible' to get through a pandemic. You just have to get through - don't you?
If you aren't coping please contact the Samaritans.
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