Everything is phone based these days in our new normal of Zoom, MS Teams and telephone. Around 1876 Bell came up with the phone. Nuts! 150 years people have been gassing - or not. I hate the phone but it's become a lifeline to me as it has for so many.
I woke up very early today. My head is a bit of a mess.
Anyway, I woke up thinking about this new predicted incoming second wave that we've been expecting since the first and like Jonny - it's here!!! And now our youth are being targeted as the super spreaders. Poor kids. Out of their mind with fucking boredom. And now they have to do it all over again. There's absolutely fuck all for them to do. In the last few years I've thought there's never anything for pre-teens, teens or young adults to do. The post-Millennial generation. No cyber cafes, games rooms, alcoholic free discos or clubs because we live in unfunded times where we rely on school, colleges, guardians and social media to keep them busy and quiet. Not the kids super spreading now it's the youth. Banished indoors again for fuck knows how long. But this rebellion are are uprising.
Such crazy times. Thrown in to the grips of a pandemic reading conspiracy theories, tailored news and listening to politicians we don't believe and suspecting a hidden agenda. But it is what it is. Suicide rates are sky high and young people started to break lockdown rules - hardly surprising. Poor kids in the most exciting phase of their development being shut away.
I feel like one of the lucky ones. Last year my life was nose-diving. Like seriously going down the pan. years of drinking, occasional drug recreation and a bit of an empty soul. A mother, a divorce and a full time job on the grind. I couldn't have cared if I died. When I didn't have my children I would be out drinking. I had parties, did stupid shit (which I regret) and generally tried to reenact my youth.
This hedonistic lifestyle was only going to end one way. But something happened to me last year that I never thought I'd get over, there was police involvement and I ended up in court. I made a stupid mistake and I thought that was it. Thought I would lose my kids, my job, my life. It threw me in to a major depression. One day I even set out to take drugs and drink myself to death - I felt so alone. But that didn't happen - call it God's will - my God having a different plan for my life.
In January this year I walked in to a 12 step program. I began to realise what a drug and drink free life was. I've put anything down my throat for 30 years. Always had some kind of death wish and suffered with my mental health - not seriously - more in bouts. But in eight months I have begun to learn resilience, have strength and have realised it is not all about me. My self-pity has held me back from achieving greater things that I could have been doing instead of living a hedonistic lifestyle.
But things really do happen for a reason I believe. I have no idea what my life would look like today if I hadn't turned my will over to the power of God - especially during a pandemic.
But I still have my problems. My (ex) boyfriend has been using all this time since January and I just couldn't see it. Or I could see it but I wanted to stay in a state of denial in my new 'happy' life. The deception and lies have gripped me over the past few months and stopped me fully embracing my new life - he was the only thing left from the old. And then finally on his admission this weekend just gone. And the thing I find the hardest is that I opened up my life, my home to him and to my children's lives. But now I have the tools to deal with a break-up and not to pick up a drink or use something to take me to another level of crazy.
So for some this time is bleak and endless, but for someone like me now I am taking each day as it comes knowing that my God has a greater plan for me. I have a programme to equip me with tools for life as long as I put the work in.
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