Silent serenade

It's been tough this week. I hit a mighty low on Thursday. I hadn't been taking my ADs at the same time just random times. I lost the plot with a work colleague (I become irrational when I don't eat), totally messed up the timing for a report I was writing for work and had a meltdown around scale 4 last night. Writing my thesis, working and looking after my kids is taking its toll but I try to keep up appearances.. My daughter will be the big '1' this week. Hard to believe she was in my womb this time last year. She is so, so precious. I love her dearly. I worry that something will happen to her or my son. I often find myself watching them breathing. I think that is a natural thing to do. I know, another random though post - I just can't focus on this shit. I don't think beforehand: "Right, what can I write about today..". I suppose I should better introduce myself whilst I babysit my friends' kids and my own baby is sleeping now on the sofa next to me. Right - I've sat here for 10 minutes looking at my friends room while my mind wandered off to ex-boyfriends', my separated Mum and Dad, the time, my sister in law and mother in law, my failings as a human, to remember basic things. Knowing what to buy my baby for her birthday that might keep her entertained for more than ten seconds, my hatred for myself and my damaged mind. Wanting to move away from here - to a better and cleaner life. Phew! Maybe I'll try again when I have more clarity - its just a mind-map of junk at the moment.